parenting

Great Expectations

/ Cat Harvey / Leave a comment

 

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So often in life, reality falls short of our expectations.  I think that some people marry because they are in love with the idea of marriage.  The idea of marriage, as it turns out, is a lot different from actually  being in a marriage.

I think that the biggest gap between reality and expectation comes when you have your first child.  When you are expecting… you are “expecting” something in particular.  There is the ideal of a two-way bond between mother and child.  You will know just what to do, and when to do it.  You and your child, in perfect partnership, will form a circle of unconditional love.

Then, you give birth.  It’s a little more uncomfortable than you were expecting.  Most babies cry a lot.  It’s a puzzle that you often can’t put together.  You think you will know just what the baby needs, and how to stop the tears.  Hmmm… not so much.  But, Oh!  Look at that little angel sleeping!  Nap time is indeed magical.

Will you ever sleep again?  Let’s say that your sleep habits are going to evolve for this point on.   Just as you muddle through the days feeling a bit overwhelmed, your baby smiles at you!  And so it goes, as you move through the phases of parenthood.  You are joyful, and tearful, at times.

When I started this blog, I wrote about my friend, Maryann.  She had children older than mine, and used to joke, saying, “It doesn’t get better, it just gets different”.  So true!  Every age brings it own unique challenges and moments of beauty.  It’s an amazing thing to watch your children grow.

Going into it, you think it’s an eighteen to twenty year commitment.  When do you stop worrying?  Well, my first baby is 38 now, and I haven’t stopped yet.  Even when your children are grown up, and have children of their own, you can’t help but think about them and their families.

Another thing that comes completely unexpected when you have your first child.  You finally “get” your own mother.  You understand a lot of her advice, and a lot of her worrying.  It’s definitely an “aha” moment.

I have four children.  With each one, I became a little more familiar with the process, and confident with my parenting skills.  Of course the more children you have, the more “crazy time” you have at your house.  If you have children, I don’t need to explain what that phrase means.

I’ve mentioned before that my daughter is “expecting”.  Since it’s her second child, she knows a little bit more about what to actually expect. She’s a wonderful mother to my grandson, Carl, and I know that her new son will be a blessing to our family!  I also know she will be tired and feel overwhelmed at times.

Some things remain the same, whether you have children or not.  You might be experiencing the ups and downs of marriage.  It doesn’t matter if you are single, divorced, widowed, in love, or lonely… you will have good days and bad days.  The trick is to remember the good days when you’re in the middle of a bad day.

Parenting is an adventure that I can recommend without reservation.  But watch out for those “great expectations”.

– Cat

 

 

Participation Trophies

/ Cat Harvey / Leave a comment

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Things have changed in a lot of ways since I was a kid.  I’m not athletic.  I was always the last person picked for a team when we played kickball in gym class.  In high school, I managed to duck gym class altogether.  They required one credit, or two semesters, to get your high school diploma.  Because I was graduating early, I took a health class and a psychology class my junior year, and they counted it for gym.  Whew!  That was a close one!

I wanted my kids to take part in sports.  I thought is was important to have all the experiences that went along with competition. I wanted them all to feel comfortable, at ease with winning, losing, and participating.

These days, participation trophies are big.  They don’t even keep score during the games any more.  I’m not a big fan of Woody Allen, who says “eighty percent of life is showing up.” I am a big fan of Yoda, who says “Do or do not.  There is no try.”  That’s harsh, Yoda.  Which camp are you in?

I think I’m somewhere in the middle here.  As traumatic as my sports career was, I do see the value in athletic competition.  In the traditional sense, I think that learning to lose important.  Learning to win graciously is also critical to success in life.  Participation trophies tend to take away both of those lessons.

If Mom or Dad pay the participation fees, you get a trophy.  It doesn’t matter if you try your best.  If you’re not keeping score, you wouldn’t even know if you won or lost.   If you don’t want to expose your kid to the lessons learned from competition, there are other options.  Teach them about stamp collecting. Pique their interest in astronomy.  Introduce them to meditation, or help them learn another language.  Don’t sign them up to play competitive sports and then insist that they earn a trophy just for being there.

In life, things don’t always go your way.  In fact, they don’t even often go your way.  If you reach adulthood without learning to deal with that, you’re in for a real slap in the face.  When life comes right at you, like it will, you want to have some inkling of how to handle that disappointment.  When you’ve made a mistake, or missed the mark, you need to know how to recognize that.  You need to learn to shake the hand of someone on the “other team.” When you’ve played hard and won, you know you’re at the top of your game. You need to stay humble, and let other people sing your praises.

– Cat

Don’t Pray For Patience

/ Cat Harvey / Leave a comment

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We are babysitting our three granddaughters this weekend.  We volunteered for the job, since our daughter in law is recovering from surgery.  These girls are magical, and a joy to spend time with.  The youngest, Sawyer, turned a year old a couple of months ago. The oldest, Pepper, just turned six.  The middle child, Amelia, is… well, I guess we’ll say “strong-willed”.  Her parents will not be offended by my remarks.  They know about it already.  It reminds me of the old adage:

Don’t pray for patience.  If you do, God will send you a situation that requires it.  

We are empty nesters, and close to retirement.  It is obvious to us at times like these that people are meant to have children when they are young.  It is exhausting!  But being a grandparent is so much more fun than being a parent.  I had four children in five years.  That was a lot of work, too.  But I was in my early twenties when I started on the project.  Although my marriage didn’t go the distance, those kids sure did.

My kids used to ask me when they were little, “How come grandmothers are so nice, and you are so mean?”  I told them that “a grandmother only has one job, which is to love you”.  Parents have to make sure that you’re healthy, clean, well-behaved, successful, educated, and happy.  Babysitting grandchildren is something you can do on a part-time basis.  Parenting is an intense, day by day experience.  You don’t get many breaks, and when you do, you don’t know how to act.

I watched over one of my grandsons, Carl, for a longer stretch than usual this past Summer.  My daughter had a hard time accepting that he had Cocoa Puffs for his lunch one day.  She had expected him to have chicken and broccoli.  I just let him have what he asked for.  It’s not like he’s allergic to Cocoa Puffs.  At the end of our week-long adventure, my daughter made the observation that I wasn’t a rule maker.  I’m not… I’m a grandmother!

My oldest grandchild, Felix, told me a few months ago that I had the least amount of “swag” out of everyone in our whole family.  When he has more than a dozen grandparents, that puts you pretty low on the swag chart.  It’s okay. I know I’m cool. It does make me try harder, though.  That’s why I own stock in the PEZ company.  Amelia asked me today, “do you have one of those plastic things with the candy in it?”  I’m famous for having PEZ on hand, but got caught short on dispensers today.

Oscar will be three in May.  He’s my mini me, blonde hair and blue eyes.  The last time he saw me he said “Gigi, I missed you so much”.  His Mom said he told Santa that too.  I hope he doesn’t tell everyone that, because I felt really special in that moment.

-Cat

 

Growing Up In a Musical Family

/ Cat Harvey / Leave a comment

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When I was a kid, we didn’t watch much television.  My parents didn’t own a color TV until I was grown and gone.  On a regular basis, we would spend evenings playing music and singing.  My Father played the guitar.  Mom has many musical talents.  She would play the piano, and sometimes pick the banjo.  She plays the bagpipes too, by the way, but usually not in the living room.  My sisters and I would sing along, and we worked our way through the big Alan Lomax songbook.

If you don’t know, Alan Lomax is famous for collecting songs from all over the United States.  Most people credit him for introducing millions of people to American Folk Music.  This type of music is the foundation for my love of music.  Like children do, I took this blessing for granted.  It wasn’t until I was much older that I grew to appreciate these evenings gone past.  I didn’t know that in some families, they didn’t get together in the evening to make a joyful noise.

As I became a teenager, I turned to rock and roll, and expanded my journeys into musical landscapes.  As a young adult, I liked all kinds of music.  I went to live concerts with my parents, and then my friends.  I started my own family when I was quite young, and had four kids in short order.

As a young mother, I often doubted that I was doing everything the way I should. One thing I know I got right as I worked through the days bringing up those sweet babies.  They had a soundtrack!  Through the years, I made sure that we listened to all kinds of music.  I shared and recounted the old songs, like most parents do.  But I’ve never been afraid of discovering new music and moving with the times.

We listened to music at home and in the car.  As soon as they were old enough, maybe sooner, I would take them to see live music whenever I could. Now, we share musical discoveries with each other.  We still see and appreciate live concerts.

 Before long, they were each moving to their own rhythm, so to speak.  My oldest son, Thom, is a fantastic drummer.  He always amazed me with his ability to pick up different drumming styles within a minute or two.  My second son, Travis, plays guitar and sings, the same way I did growing up.  I’m always impressed with the way he sounds, whether he’s playing electric or acoustic.  My youngest son, Tyler, is a beast on the bass.  He’s a versatile bassist, and has a love for writing music as well.  I don’t get to hear any of them play as much as I would like to.  They have discovered that when you have to adult, you don’t get as much practice time in. 

My daughter, Catie,  is a huge fan of music, like me.  Her ears devour every new sound, every old familiar tune, and she sings to her son.  My grandchildren are the next generation of music lovers.  One of the best feelings in the world is when I sing to my grandson Carl, and when I’m done, he looks at me and says “again”.

When my Grandmother died, they buried her with her harmonica.  She started playing that when she wasn’t able to play the piano any more.  I love my musical past, and my musical future.  I’m so grateful that my parents took the time to teach me to appreciate a good song.  I’m also blessed when I hear my kids sing it back to me.

– Cat

I’m My Mom. By the Way, My Daughter is Me.

/ Cat Harvey / Leave a comment

So, the audiologist looks at me and says “You have mild to moderate hearing loss”.  It sunk in.  I remember when my Mom started losing her hearing.  I would get so annoyed when she would ask me multiple times to repeat myself.  Sometimes she would answer the question she thought you asked.  Never mind the actual question.  My Granny, Mom’s  Mom, was deaf at the end of her long life too.

I’m older now.  I am becoming my Mother.

In so many ways, I’m lucky to be like her.  She always says hello and starts a conversation with strangers.  She likes to help.  She’s quick-witted.  She has a weird sense of humor.  She has the Scrabble gene that runs strong in our family. She loves music.  She doesn’t watch sports.  She loves to hear and tell stories.  I’m so lucky to have her.

I have a daughter now.  She is the very best parts of me and her father all mushed together.  Although we’ve always been friends, I always admired her because she was different than me.  She never went through that bitchy teenage phase. I did.  She always seemed very quiet and private to me.  She is an artist.  She used to be embarrassed when I talked to strangers.  She always seemed wise beyond her years, and sometimes I wasn’t sure who was raising who.  She’s all grown up now, married, and has a son.  I love him to pieces.

We share a lot of things.  She calls me nearly every morning and we talk about EVERYTHING.  We both love music, even though we’re not musicians. We share and build playlists together. All her brothers are musicians. She and I are fans.   She encourages me, and I return that encouragement.  She talks to strangers more than she used to.  We play a game of Scrabble now and then.  She’s good at it.  She has a weird sense of humor. She loves to help, and teaching is her passion. I’m so lucky to have her.

My daughter is becoming me.  Still different in so many ways, but I’m starting to notice the similarities more. She’s older now.

She’s having a baby in June.  I hope it’s a girl.

 

  •  Cat

 

Parenting. Just do your best.

/ Cat Harvey / Leave a comment

My daughter made an observation in her Facebook post today that rang true.  Parenting is hard.  A lot of parents have a hard time deciding when they are being too strict, too lenient, too smothering, or not supportive enough.  The list goes on and on.  Here’s the thing; if you don’t have confidence in what you’re doing… you’re sunk!

When I expecting my first child, I read a line from a poem about parenthood (can’t locate the source) that ended with the line “With the pitter patter of tiny feet, come a hundred thousand words to eat.”  Which is to say, the idea of being a parent is so different from the reality of being a parent.  When you’re in the planning stages, you have an idea in your mind about the common mistakes you see parents around you making, and you think that you’ve got every strategic advantage and know just the right way to handle things.

Turns out you don’t know too much about anything once you add a child into the mix.  The thing we all take for granted is our ability to control things.  A baby becomes a child, and then a… well, a person.   With their own thoughts and opinions.  Every age has its surprises that you feel woefully unprepared for.  Things will occasionally come out of left field, catching you totally unaware.

Despite the challenges, my experience with motherhood has brought a lot of joy to me over the years.  I always say that you don’t really reach the total highs and lows of life until you get the chance to raise a child.  In conclusion, when you think about it, we all know “bad” kids from “good” homes.  We also know “good” kids that have overcome “bad” homes.  Just do your best.  Give your heart and your head equal time when making decisions.  Be content to get through the adventure in one piece!

-Cat