Happiness Now

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How many times have you looked up to someone and thought “If I had their life, I would be happy”?  It’s natural… the whole “grass is greener” thing.

When I was a teenager, I was always envious of my best friend, who was so tiny and petite.  Years later, I confessed to her that I was jealous of her slight frame, and her ability to wear cute summer shirts. You well endowed women know what I’m talking about.  At the moment of my disclosure, she said “You’ve got to be kidding!”  She continued “I always felt like a boy next to you; I was so jealous of your curves!”  Sometimes you need to get a reality check and look at things from someone else’s perspective.

We rely on material things to make us happy.  Sometimes you want a nice car, a big house… maybe a boat, or a $3000 designer bag, or the latest Jordans.  You catch yourself thinking “When I get that extra special thing, I will be happy.”  And then, finally, you get that thing, that magical unicorn you’ve been dreaming of.  As it turns out, the struggle for acquisition was the best part.  Once your quest is over, you come face to face with the truth.  You’re still the same person, you just have a new possession. 

If you’re thinking you need to get another job, or live somewhere else to be happy, chances are you’re wrong about that, too.  You’ll be the same person, but with another job, or in another locale.  Quite often, we think “If only I could make a fresh start”.  You can make a fresh start, alright.  But not through external gratification.

Start from where you are, right here and right now.  Cultivate happiness within you that has nothing to do with your looks, your money, or your job.  All the stuff you have, and don’t have, doesn’t matter a bit.  You can add those things into the mix, but if you’re not happy now, those things won’t change you.

How many famous people kill themselves with a self-destructive lifestyle?  They’ve got money, fame, and everything that those things can bring.  Is that enough to sustain a person?  Nope.  I love the quote from Henry Ford when someone asked him how much money does it take to make a man happy.  His response:  “A little bit more”.  In the end, we all end up the same situation.

It’s good to have dreams.  Reach as high as you can.  Stretch right out of your comfort zone.  Remember that achieving those things will never make you as happy as the struggle to achieve them.  Put another way, it’s the journey and not the destination.  Moments in time, being with loved ones, trying your best, believing in yourself.  Those are the things that will bring happiness.  Lasting happiness.  The kind of happiness you deserve.

Be gentle with yourself.

– Cat

We’re All Doing the Best We Can!

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It’s easy to judge others for not living up to the standards that we set for ourselves.  For most people, it’s a matter of thinking that you’re a better quality person than the next guy. Sometimes, we look up to folks that we think are better quality than us.  What does that even mean?

When I was younger, I viewed things in absolutes.  Things were black or white, with no room for gray.  As we age, we can see the subtleties, the gray in things.  If we don’t know someone’s back story, it’s easy to overlook that there might be one.

So, when I say that we’re all doing the best we can, I’m talking about every person.  We all carry emotional and psychological stuff around with us.  Sometimes it will get in the way of us being who we can be.  Often, we let damaging experiences define who we are.  We will dwell on them, instead of acknowledging them as part of who we are, but only part.

Some people are parents and they are not prepared or equipped to be parents.  Some people enter relationships that they are just not ready to be a part of.  Some people will not be able to bear the stress of their job, or life in general.  Some enter a grieving process and can’t let go. These are all real struggles, and they can affect the way we live our life.

Does it sound like I’m making excuses?  I’m not.  People will and should be accountable for their actions, one way or another.  Is that karma?  We all have to answer for things we do.  We all have regrets for things that haven’t gone so well in our past.

I’m saying that a person does their individual best.  They see things through their lens, and live life through their own filter.  Their best may not be very good, according to our standards.  Our best may not be good enough in their point of view.

The important thing is to consider that everyone is doing their best.

– Cat

 

Forgive Me… I’m Trying to Forgive You

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One of my favorite quotes is:

“Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself”

When I was checking on the source for this quote, it looks like Suzanne Somers gets the most votes.  We had Tony Robbins in the mix, along with TD Jakes.  Well, it deserves deep consideration, no matter who authored it.

I’ve held a grudge.  I’ve fed it and nurtured it.  I’ve felt the burn. The person holding the grudge will always feel worse than the target of the anger and resentment.  If you are stubborn and slow to forgive, it will always hurt you more than anyone else.

I know it takes so much effort to forgive immediately and with sincerity, but the pay off is huge!

While we’re on the topic of forgiving, it’s okay to hold yourself to a high standard of ethics or morality.  But, we are human, and sometimes we hurt other people, even if we don’t mean to.  Be quick to forgive yourself in the midst of your guilt trip.

The usual form of an apology is:  “I’m sorry that I got angry, BUT….”  Make your statement and then stop.  Don’t qualify your feelings and take the argument to the next level.  If you have a fight with a friend, both parties should apologize.  That’s what friends do.  It’s called making up.

Resolving a rift between friends can put you right on the mountaintop.  It feels blissful to bring restoration to a broken relationship.  You’ll be wondering why you waited so long!

Just a word of caution.  Remember, that while your feelings of forgiveness towards someone may feel right to you, they may take time to bring a resolution.  Your words and gestures of apology may not be returned right away, if at all.  Forgive anyway. You can only control your side of the equation.  This is something that we must learn from.  It’s part of life.  This is what it means to be accountable; to accept the consequences of your actions.

Who can you forgive today?  Give yourself a gift and get started.

– Cat

Is There a Pill Yet … Or is it Still Diet and Exercise?

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Good news!  Over the past 10 years, I’ve lost 150 pounds!  Bad news…  I’ve lost, on average, 15 pounds a year.  I think that I’m the original yo-yo dieter.  Sometimes I feel bad about it, other days it doesn’t cross my mind.  Right now, I’m going through my “not focusing on that” phase, as opposed to my “freaking out about my health” phase.

Tomorrow, I cook with my Mom, and my daughter Catie, as we prepare for Thanksgiving.  No matter how hectic things get, I always cook with my Mom the day before our annual feast.  We are so happy to have Catie join us in the family tradition as we share recipes and laughs.

This time of year, so much of the celebrating involves eating.  Most of what you eat is not salad.  If you are eating light this year, more power to you.  It’s not human nature, though.  I know how to control my diet and eating habits, I just don’t do a great job at it.

Think for a moment about how many people you know in the medical profession that you see out on a smoke break.  I’d be willing to bet that they’ve heard that smoking isn’t healthy.  The point here is that knowing what to do doesn’t necessarily mean that you do it.

With all the medical advancements, why can’t they just develop a pill for this problem?  Why does it have to be the long, tedious process of diet and exercise?  I know that several companies acknowledge the problem.  They offer appetite suppressants, fat blockers, shakes, bars, shots, and other magic tricks.  You can get surgery.  You can buy a fad diet book… and you may even follow it for a while.  You might try a multi level marketing solution for weight loss.  Maybe joining Weight Watchers, or one of the other diet plans, will work for you.  I’m of the opinion that trying anything is better than trying nothing.

I know people with the opposite problem, who are trying to gain weight and can’t.  They know what they have to do.  It’s just hard work to do it.  I can’t imagine the heartbreak involved with having an eating disorder.

I admire you if you have a sensible diet and stay fit and on top of your health at all times.  Are you in the minority, or am I just biased towards the “pretty plus” mindset?  I’m not sure that I’m not viewing it all through the lens of my experience.

So, here’s to a wonderful Thanksgiving, everyone.  I hope you feel the love of family and friends.  I hope you have a grateful heart.  I hope you get to taste two kinds of pie… and enjoy it!

-Cat

What’s Your Superpower?

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Photo by Tyler Lambert

Superheroes have been around for a while, but they are more popular than ever!  Lots of popular movies and  TV shows tell the story of a Superhero, or sometimes a group of them.

 I’m not one that’s caught up in the Superhero media craze. I like to celebrate everyday people who develop their own superpowers.  We each have at least one personality attribute that can be used for good, which we know can defeat evil, right?

I’ve used this exercise before, in encouraging and demonstrating individual strengths in the workplace.  As part of a team, you might not have patience. If you know the person next to you does, you can turn to them for help and advice when you need to.  If I’m feeling down, but I know your positivity is infectious, I can hang out with you until I’m all powered up.

But enough about everybody else.  Let’s talk about you for a minute.  Take some time right now and think about your superpower.  What’s the one thing, the one strength you have, that we can all rely on to make the world a better place.  Is it your smile, your sense of humor? Is it your determination, your tenacity?  Is it your helpful attitude?  Your quest for knowledge? Are you a good listener?  Empathetic?  Humble?

I’ve given you a few examples, now it’s up to you to put the concept together.  You see, your special gift is what helps you contribute to this group project we call life.  By developing and putting your talents to work, you improve the planet.

Every once in a while, I run across someone who tells me that they don’t have a superpower.  They don’t recognize any talent or gift within themselves.  So, it’s safe to say that positivity is not their strong suit.  If you’re in the club of naysayers, ask someone you love, or work with, maybe someone in your family…. Hey, do I have any superpowers?

Chances are, you’ll get them thinking about their own superpower, while they’re helping you get yours figured out.  Once you do this exercise a few times, you’ll start noticing other people’s talents with a sharper eye.  Before you know it, we’re all going around appreciating each other!

Okay… maybe I took that a little farther than I should have.  But the point is, we can grow and learn through this exercise.  Try it.  I’ll bet it won’t take you much time at all.  I’m thinking that you’ll have a hard time narrowing it down to just one.

Let me know how it goes!

-Cat

Being Right vs. Being Loved -Finding Balance

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You hear that term “balance” a lot today.  Apparently, it’s the ideal for having a happy life.  Striving for balance is a real chore in some respects.  Almost always, we present our personalities in the extremes.

It’s a matter of wanting to be right vs. wanting to be loved, according to my observations.  I’m always stunned by people who feel a need to assert their opinions, in a bold and bossy way.  They don’t seem to recognize that they are at risk of diminishing love from friends and family.  They know that what they’re saying is provocative, and it will most likely start an argument.  They just can’t resist or restrain the temptation.

You hear proclamations that under the first amendment, we all have freedom of speech. We do have freedom of speech.  Speaking is an action, and actions do have consequences.  Have you ever said anything you wished you could take back?  Just because you can say what you want, doesn’t mean I have to agree. We don’t have freedom from judgement or reaction based on what we say. 

Social media is the perfect platform to pontificate through.  Maybe I’m being a hypocrite, since I’m communicating this to you through a blog article.  People argue on Facebook as if they will win everybody over to “their side.”  How realistic is that?  During the recent election, for example, I saw posts from people on both (or more) sides.  People talk about deleting friends, online and in real life, because they have a different point of view.  We had to stop talking to them, because they are narrow-minded, dim-witted, and don’t know anything.

But, if you never argue a point, people will say you are a dull person, and not much of a conversationalist.  If you never stand up and speak out for someone who is in need, people will think you are cold-hearted.

Finding balance in this area is what we used to call “choosing your battles.”  If you’ve ever been in a relationship, you know about this.  It’s important for parents and children, siblings, bosses, neighbors, coworkers, friends, and lovers… everybody.

It’s the fine art of conceding a point, even if you disagree with the other person on the whole.  It’s the practice of evaluating discussions and arguments as they occur.   Consider if this is the “point” that you must “win.”  We all talk about diversity, and acceptance of those who are “different.”  Can we start with people who hold different views than us?

How do we heal the “divide?”  The racial divide, the political divide, the religious divide? Stop dividing. Hold your own beliefs, and know what they are, but allow other points of view a seat at your table.  Celebrate our sameness… our humanity.

 – Cat

Let’s Talk Turkey

It’s getting to be that time of year again.  We’ll all be getting out our “fat pants.”  Don’t roll your eyes and pretend that I’m the only one that has two sizes of pants on hand, just for this season.  Now is when we start to ramp up and get ourselves in perfect position for a strong New Year’s resolution.

Here in America, we kick it all off with Thanksgiving.  According to tradition, most of us have a nice turkey, with all the trimmings.  The other day at work, my friend Ryan asked me if I’d ever heard of turducken.  I have heard of it, but it seems like quite an oddity to me.  Ryan said he was thinking about getting one for Thanksgiving this year.

I’m not that adventurous when it comes to food choices.  As it turns out, turducken is not that unusual. It’s quite common in other parts of the world.  In case you don’t know, turducken is a turkey that’s stuffed with a duck that’s stuffed with a chicken. In some places they call it a “three bird roast.”   When doing a bit of research before writing this post, I came across many variations.  What do you think about a turbaconducken?  Would you like to have turporken this year?

I guess that some people aren’t crazy about plain old turkey.  Okay.  I am in the group that thinks that you shouldn’t fix stuff that’s not broken.  How far do we have to go to make things more interesting?  I saw one example of turducken that has a quail’s egg cooked inside.  I guess that the possibilities are only limited by your imagination.

My daughter-in-law, Amy, is a vegetarian, and so are her sons.  They are not having turducken at their Thanksgiving feast.  They are having tofurkey.  I’ve never tried it, but I haven’t had much tofu, the animal that tofurkey comes from, either.  I can’t say that I don’t like it.  It’s in that same unknown territory as turducken.

So, this Thanksgiving, I’m giving thanks for all the simple joys in life. I know each of us has so much to be thankful for.  There’s one thing in particular that I feel blessed with.  My son-in-law, Richard, is passionate about cooking a big turkey for us all!

– Cat

Growing Up In a Musical Family

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When I was a kid, we didn’t watch much television.  My parents didn’t own a color TV until I was grown and gone.  On a regular basis, we would spend evenings playing music and singing.  My Father played the guitar.  Mom has many musical talents.  She would play the piano, and sometimes pick the banjo.  She plays the bagpipes too, by the way, but usually not in the living room.  My sisters and I would sing along, and we worked our way through the big Alan Lomax songbook.

If you don’t know, Alan Lomax is famous for collecting songs from all over the United States.  Most people credit him for introducing millions of people to American Folk Music.  This type of music is the foundation for my love of music.  Like children do, I took this blessing for granted.  It wasn’t until I was much older that I grew to appreciate these evenings gone past.  I didn’t know that in some families, they didn’t get together in the evening to make a joyful noise.

As I became a teenager, I turned to rock and roll, and expanded my journeys into musical landscapes.  As a young adult, I liked all kinds of music.  I went to live concerts with my parents, and then my friends.  I started my own family when I was quite young, and had four kids in short order.

As a young mother, I often doubted that I was doing everything the way I should. One thing I know I got right as I worked through the days bringing up those sweet babies.  They had a soundtrack!  Through the years, I made sure that we listened to all kinds of music.  I shared and recounted the old songs, like most parents do.  But I’ve never been afraid of discovering new music and moving with the times.

We listened to music at home and in the car.  As soon as they were old enough, maybe sooner, I would take them to see live music whenever I could. Now, we share musical discoveries with each other.  We still see and appreciate live concerts.

 Before long, they were each moving to their own rhythm, so to speak.  My oldest son, Thom, is a fantastic drummer.  He always amazed me with his ability to pick up different drumming styles within a minute or two.  My second son, Travis, plays guitar and sings, the same way I did growing up.  I’m always impressed with the way he sounds, whether he’s playing electric or acoustic.  My youngest son, Tyler, is a beast on the bass.  He’s a versatile bassist, and has a love for writing music as well.  I don’t get to hear any of them play as much as I would like to.  They have discovered that when you have to adult, you don’t get as much practice time in. 

My daughter, Catie,  is a huge fan of music, like me.  Her ears devour every new sound, every old familiar tune, and she sings to her son.  My grandchildren are the next generation of music lovers.  One of the best feelings in the world is when I sing to my grandson Carl, and when I’m done, he looks at me and says “again”.

When my Grandmother died, they buried her with her harmonica.  She started playing that when she wasn’t able to play the piano any more.  I love my musical past, and my musical future.  I’m so grateful that my parents took the time to teach me to appreciate a good song.  I’m also blessed when I hear my kids sing it back to me.

– Cat

Self-Esteem – Where Can I Get It?

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There is so much talk these days about self-esteem.

Sometimes people hold others accountable for damage… or even possible damage, to their self-esteem.  We often feel that high self esteem is something that we’re all entitled to.  Some folks think that everything hinges on it.  Others downplay it’s importance.  It’s definitely become a catch phrase.

I can hold you in high esteem, but I can’t hold you in high self-esteem. Self- esteem comes from within the self, not from external sources.  It is how you view yourself, take pride in yourself, and is often reflected in the way you care for yourself.

How can you make an impact on the way you view yourself?  What you do, and what you say to yourself, should be your concentration. Here’s how you can do you… and increase your self-esteem while you’re at it.

Find Some Work Worth Doing

When you spend your time contributing to society, you will feel your self-esteem blossom and grow.  This is usually done through your work, which is where you spend most of your waking hours.  Unemployed? Use this time to learn a new skill, do some self-reflection, and make good use of your time out.  Can you volunteer? Do something that interests you.

Be Helpful

Just pitch in.  Get started.  We all have talents that we fail to use to their potential.  If nothing else, we all need encouragement.  Ask yourself “who can I encourage today?”.  A smile goes a long way.  Make it your goal to give smiles away and collect them in equal measure.

Forgive Yourself

Are you experiencing depression, financial trouble, or relationship problems?  It’s easy to blame yourself.  Start today to forgive yourself.  “Why can’t I feel better?”, “Why am I so bad with money?”, “Why can’t I make my partner happy?”.  Feeling guilty and beating yourself up never works as a strategy for coping.

Talk to Yourself

You can run a negative talk track with yourself, or a positive one.  You have total control over what you tell yourself.  Even if you have to “fake it until you make it”, you have got to nourish yourself with kind words. No matter what your issues are, you just can’t afford the luxury of talking down to yourself.

Have an Open Heart

What do I mean by that?  I mean that you approach everyone you meet with an open heart.  Be willing to be present in every interaction.  Don’t downplay the importance of connecting.   Listen and reflect on the conversations you have with others. Every path you cross is an opportunity for you to make a connection outside of yourself.

So, to wrap it up, how you choose to spend your time and resources can bring you the biggest sense of pride in yourself.  Don’t wait for others to serve you up a heaping dish of self-esteem.  No matter the circumstances, your self esteem is yours to claim!

    – Cat

You Could Spell Pigeon If You Had The Right Letters

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Photo by Tyler Lambert

In my family, we play Scrabble.  My daughter plays. I play. My Mom plays. Her Mom played.  Other women in our family, as well as close family friends, have joined in over the generations.  We even let the men play from time to time.  We’ve had marathon games, and we’ve  heard stories about memorable games over the years.  It’s kind of like sports in other families.  At family gatherings, we would fix dinner, eat, clean up, and settle in to play.

My daughter has the deluxe version of the game, with the rotating turntable board.  It’s the actual one that I bought for my Granny.  The Styrofoam is missing from one corner.  It was chewed away by a skunk that got into it at Granny’s house, where she stored it in the dining room – that’s a whole different story.  Inside the lid, you can find documented historical moves.  You can see the date when Granny’s best friend, Francis, dumped her rack.  You can also see particularly high score games and other outstanding accomplishments.

My husband is from Scotland. We played Scrabble on our wedding night.  He likes to think he can use words that are common usage in the UK, but I only allow this when we are playing in UK.  He is a good player, and it’s usually a pretty close game between us.  I keep a little notebook in my Scrabble box, so that I can keep a dated record of every game played.  My letter tiles are in a bag that my Mom sewed for me after the original bag gave out.  It’s made out of a pig print fabric, because I love pigs.

You see, there is a reason why you have to get dinner, and all the clean up, done before you start to play.  You never know when a game is going to end.  It’s not unheard of for a nap to happen between moves.  There is a story of one such game that has been retold many times in our family. It presents a great analogy for life, so it’s value is immeasurable.

So, Granny, Francis, and my Great Aunt Clydie, are playing into the night.  Granny’s son, my Uncle Chris, is a little boy sitting on laps.  He  moves around the table as the women take their turns.  He knows he is not allowed to give away any secrets.  He can see all of the letters on everyone’s rack, and studies them as he moves from seat to seat.  The play is long, the room is quiet.  My Uncle looks up and says “You could spell PIGEON if you had the right letters.”  Everyone has a good laugh at this punchline.

The point is, you can spell anything if you have the right letters.  So it is with life.  As you move through life, you will sometimes get the distinct feeling that your rack is full of vowels, without a consonant in sight.  Sometimes, you have all the high scoring letters, but you’re sunk without a vowel. Then there are the times when you’ve got an awesome word, but no place to play it.  Some days, everything works for you, and you dump your rack.  You will struggle as you grow, trying to beat your Mom, or your Granny, in a game.  When you do, it may not feel as sweet as you expected.

You get to pick your letters, but you don’t get to see them first…  Just like life.  We need to accept our letters and play our best every day.  It’s always easier when every thing goes your way, and your letters are perfect. Sometimes, though, when you have no other options, just play your word and move on.